I got the right one

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Something scary and something surprising happened this weekend.

Over the weekend, the wife, baby and I went department store shopping and decided to check out our different departments before meeting up. I was casually strolling about with the munchkin when she texted me, “There’s a man following me.” I high-tailed it to find her and when I did, she had told me this man had been following her throughout the store. Sometimes he’d duck behind an aisle when she turned around, sometimes he’d be behind her so close that she could feel him invading her personal space. The last straw was when he asked if he she was alone. She said no picked up her pace to find me.

She described him to me and before we had left, I saw him. He was a white dude, who had been really tanned (like a beach bum). His hair was bleached dreadlocks put into spikes. He wore a tank top and entirely too short, shorts. His eyes were blood shot. He was clearly on something. While in the check-out line, I could see him walking back and forth through the store a couple of more times looking at my wife and eyeing some other women…and then he disappeared.

We decided to let security know what was going on in case he was creeping someone else out or in case he’d escalate and do something. A gal who worked at the store overheard us describing the situation and chimed in that she walked out 4 other female customers because he had been following them out, but that he finally left the store.

Later that night when we sat down to a late dinner, the wife said grace and I was a little shocked that of all the people she would pray for, it was for that guy. “Please, Lord, help him with what he needs to get better.” I was kind of in shock…but at the same time, so proud of her. My wife was visibly shaken after the encounter, but here she was genuinely praying for her enemy. G’ah! Just another confirmation that I married the right one. Someone who is selfless enough to think past herself and put herself in that person’s shoes and understand that he might not be a bad person. Just someone who’s made bad choices. I’m astounded and in awe! This is the type of person I married. n_______n

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Partying while Parenting

PartyingwhileParenting

I took this pic over this last weekend at a pool party and it kind of sums up my current life as a parent of a 4 month-old. Everyone was sitting around a table having drinks and smokes BUT not us! The wife, infant and I were set apart from the fun; sitting on the other side of the backyard.

It wasn’t the saddest thing in the world as I didn’t know most of the people there and there was an army guy who held the group hostage with his conversation (which were long-winded accounts of what happened when he was stationed out there, interceded by interrogation/survey of the group, and then switching back to story mode). Starting this post, I thought I was going to lament on how horrible my life is now that I don’t get to do all the things I don’t want to do. That “downing a bottle, belching and passing out” has a less fun context as a parent, but I’m realizing it’s not that bad. I’m not missing out on too much.

So what if I don’t get to regale in all the going-ons with my friends? I’ll be experiencing brand new things with a brand new person who’s experiencing everything for the first time. Hanging out with friends has its perks, but it’s never been about the new restaurant or cool place to hang out, it’s always been about the people you spend it with. What better experience than spending it with someone who will forever be linked to me? Is there anything more bonding than having someone look into your eyes and realize that they love you? That realization my daughter makes when she sees me and smiles makes my heart melt. every. single. time!

I felt and sometimes still feel like my life has been put on hold; that I couldn’t work on all my desires and future aspirations but instead had to deal with this demanding interruption. How bitter it made me feel until I realize that this tiny human is my life now. This is my aspiration and future and that I don’t have to deny my life but integrate my life in her life. Sure it sounds like rationalizing, but at the same time it feels like the truest realization of what life is about, and I can’t wait to get home to see my spawn!

Some Thoughts of a Week and a Half Old Father

So my daughter was born two Fridays ago and stuff has happened. I don’t know if they’ve all coalesced into something I can put into a BIG thematic summary, but here are some of the thoughts.

Hospitals are like hotels. Medical hotels that you check into except during your stay you’re constantly being interrupted by the staff; checking your pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar–except they don’t check it all at once. This staggered list they have to checkmark can really impede your rest. (One of the nurses admittedly said that in a study of a 24 hour period, a patient had 55 interruptions.)

Babies maybe dream? I’ve taken to looming over my newborn daughter and just absorbing her in and imprinting her image into my mind (It’s kind of creepy if I were to do it to anyone else). Some of these times she smiles up at me. Sometimes when she’s sleeping, it’s very obvious that she’s experiencing RAPID EYE MOVEMENT (REM)–a sign that she’s dreaming, and she’ll do this thing where she’ll smile and nod. It’s almost as if she’s saying “Ahh yeah, those were good times?” Except, what good times? What life experience can you fondly be reminiscing about my 1 week old daughter? Other people say that smiles are either 1) muscle spasms on the face 2) reaction to farting.

Having a newborn is all about putting in the work and it’s sort of like Tamagotchi: the Virtual Pet. When you get a Tamagotchi they’re like this little blob, plain and boring. But dang if you have to feed, clean and put them to sleep after every three hours. You don’t get much in return yet. But I can’t wait till my little human starts evolving and growing features that make her who she really is.

People like babies. It’s something new and different. I couldn’t believe that my parents came and visited almost every day that baby girl has been alive. It’s not a chore to them and I think they’d come more if they could. My wife and i have some cousins from our respective sides of our families and we don’t normally hang out outside of the holidays, but they’ve reached out and want to come down.

And there’s more, but that’s all for now. Too tired. Zombie life.

There’s a Whole World Out There and You’re Inside Looking at the Mirror

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There’s so much beauty in this world, so much to see and feel and taste/eat :p but you’re missing all of it because you’re stuck inside.

You only log on to check your notifications. How many likes did you have? Did someone leave you a comment? Let’s post a picture of yourself shall we? (No, you don’t have a new haircut or showing off a new outfit, people should just be satisfied to get another picture of your face) Let’s re-post several things that we like in hopes that it’ll get a lot of attention. Maybe leave a song lyric or thought that we’re feeling (never mind that no one gets the context or what you mean). Now let’s go write long expressive things so that people can understand what we’re feeling.

But do I have time to read your writings? Do I make the time to go look at what your interest are, even leave a comment? Yeah maybe, if I had something that I could say to bring me attention. Or maybe I can look at the events that are out there? Should I even log out to consider that there’s a world out there that doesn’t have a url/evite/tweet to announce it?

No.

I’m trying to build and find my own happiness here. The more I hold on to it. The more I try, the more it slips away. I can’t entertain other people’s happiness and interests, because I’m stuck in my own echo-chamber, retelling my own stories to myself. I’m focusing on my own problems and how they always return. Do I stop to think about how the same mindset that got me into this problem can’t be the same mindset that would find a solution?

No.

I’m too busy with myself.

I was never your #1

And I’ll never will be your #1. I know that. I’ve accepted that from the begining. I know that I’ve just been your fill in friend. The substitute, only here to to keep you afloat until you find that significant other to be all that you need.

I’ve tried opening up to you before and I’ve felt shot down before. Tried expressing what’s going only to be skipped over and back to your problem. When I go away and keep my distance then that’s perceived as me punishing you and being sadistic and cruel. Come back to explain myself and instead of being heard, only had a phrase solidified in your mind; a slight to wound you. Something that’s closed off your mind to everything else.

Suddenly innocuous statements are rocks being hurled at you. A simple apology is viewed as a sarcastic twisting of the knife. Even self effacing jokes on me is misinterpreted and heard as a joke on you. You pay lip service and joke like everything is ok, all the while, you’re growing distant from me. Should I be surprised that the passive aggressive delay in reply you use on others is now being used on me? No, not surprised, but it still hurts. (Yeah I know taste of my own medicine.)

I know our friendship hasn’t been the easiest, that I am a hard person to deal with, but I’m glad we made it this far. I wonder though, with a significant other soon back in your life if this is the end of the line.

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My Wife

I probably don’t show her enough, but it’s nice to come home to someone that doesn’t scold you for being forgetful, or doesn’t talk down to you when you’re being corrected. My wife is someone who, even though she has a headache, can still politely ask me to stop my shrill whistling.

Yeah, when it comes to dancing at weddings, she can be embarrassed to the point of me begging…but she does it anyways. She may not attend all my social engagements with me but she’s there when I need her.

Despite her asthma, diabetes, fibromyalgia, hashimotos and her pregnancy, she’s still the most strongest, independent and drama-free person I know. I would die for her and I know she’d die for me, because right now she’s getting her life sucked out by our little unborn!
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I know some people think that since the moment you’re born, you’re starting to die, but she is truly living and in less than 4 months, it won’t be just her own life that she’s living for.