What do you have to offer?

Since I’ve joined the Searchers, I’ve met many interesting characters. Some of whom I love dearly and some of whom I try dearly to love. One of these characters that lasted for a season, had the same name as me. So we’ll call him Sudy Su.

Sudy Su, was a contradiction. He was socially awkward and a little chubby. But instead of working on his confidence he’d wear fedora hats and grow out a ponytail. Trying to pass off external possessions for what he lacked inside. As Searchers we had meetings where we’d share, maybe talk about our trials and our blessings, and Sudy Su…there was just something unabashed about his sharing. Whereas some people struggled to bring up gut-wrenching things they’ve been through, Sudy Su would flowingly, volunteer up information, things that people would be ashamed of, he spoke them like it was a badge of courage. It almost sounded rehearsed. Re-imagining him in these situations I almost picture him like he’d sob into his hands and do that thing where he would peek up from behind his hands to check people’s reaction.

Anyways, enough character details, what really got me about him (besides all his other interesting flaws that he’s maxed out so well) was his outlook on love. He fancied the pretty gals, but could not understand that they were people. He couldn’t think of the other person’s feelings. One of the people who caught his eye, was my then girlfriend. I remember a cringy chat we had on facebook about how lucky I am to have a girl like her. How pretty she was, how he wish a girl like my girlfriend could be with him. -_-

And he’d openly post on facebook about how he’d ask out a stranger in public, and how he was spurned! “You don’t care about my feelings? You can’t see that you’re making me cry now? Why don’t you want to be with me?” he’d implore this girl he’s never met or will meet again to facebook. Of course his friends and your’s truly would lovingly try to get him to calm down and say, “hey maybe she already taken” “maybe she’s not ready for a relationship” “maybe you’re not her type” Oh, but NO, it’s not about her, it’s all about you and how the world’s against you.

And he’d go on and on about what he wants in a girl, how’d she have to look like this, do that, be this that and the other. With this ideal person that he was describing, I don’t think he ever stopped to think about what that person would want. Who would that type of person want to be with? Him? The type of guy who would blurt out things to try to be funny and then bask in the awkwardness it created? The type of guy would openly whine about things on social media and then wonder why he couldn’t find a girl who wanted to be with him?

Blah, why do I write this? I don’t know. Sometimes, I just think…how some people just want so much to be loved, that they don’t think about if they have any love to give. All these requirements that they expect from a potential mate and don’t think about what they have to give to someone in a relationship. Cringy.

And they say sometimes what you hate most about others is what you see in yourself…so yeah, i guess I got that to work on.


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