There’s a Whole World Out There and You’re Inside Looking at the Mirror

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There’s so much beauty in this world, so much to see and feel and taste/eat :p but you’re missing all of it because you’re stuck inside.

You only log on to check your notifications. How many likes did you have? Did someone leave you a comment? Let’s post a picture of yourself shall we? (No, you don’t have a new haircut or showing off a new outfit, people should just be satisfied to get another picture of your face) Let’s re-post several things that we like in hopes that it’ll get a lot of attention. Maybe leave a song lyric or thought that we’re feeling (never mind that no one gets the context or what you mean). Now let’s go write long expressive things so that people can understand what we’re feeling.

But do I have time to read your writings? Do I make the time to go look at what your interest are, even leave a comment? Yeah maybe, if I had something that I could say to bring me attention. Or maybe I can look at the events that are out there? Should I even log out to consider that there’s a world out there that doesn’t have a url/evite/tweet to announce it?

No.

I’m trying to build and find my own happiness here. The more I hold on to it. The more I try, the more it slips away. I can’t entertain other people’s happiness and interests, because I’m stuck in my own echo-chamber, retelling my own stories to myself. I’m focusing on my own problems and how they always return. Do I stop to think about how the same mindset that got me into this problem can’t be the same mindset that would find a solution?

No.

I’m too busy with myself.

I was never your #1

And I’ll never will be your #1. I know that. I’ve accepted that from the begining. I know that I’ve just been your fill in friend. The substitute, only here to to keep you afloat until you find that significant other to be all that you need.

I’ve tried opening up to you before and I’ve felt shot down before. Tried expressing what’s going only to be skipped over and back to your problem. When I go away and keep my distance then that’s perceived as me punishing you and being sadistic and cruel. Come back to explain myself and instead of being heard, only had a phrase solidified in your mind; a slight to wound you. Something that’s closed off your mind to everything else.

Suddenly innocuous statements are rocks being hurled at you. A simple apology is viewed as a sarcastic twisting of the knife. Even self effacing jokes on me is misinterpreted and heard as a joke on you. You pay lip service and joke like everything is ok, all the while, you’re growing distant from me. Should I be surprised that the passive aggressive delay in reply you use on others is now being used on me? No, not surprised, but it still hurts. (Yeah I know taste of my own medicine.)

I know our friendship hasn’t been the easiest, that I am a hard person to deal with, but I’m glad we made it this far. I wonder though, with a significant other soon back in your life if this is the end of the line.

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