I was never your #1

And I’ll never will be your #1. I know that. I’ve accepted that from the begining. I know that I’ve just been your fill in friend. The substitute, only here to to keep you afloat until you find that significant other to be all that you need.

I’ve tried opening up to you before and I’ve felt shot down before. Tried expressing what’s going only to be skipped over and back to your problem. When I go away and keep my distance then that’s perceived as me punishing you and being sadistic and cruel. Come back to explain myself and instead of being heard, only had a phrase solidified in your mind; a slight to wound you. Something that’s closed off your mind to everything else.

Suddenly innocuous statements are rocks being hurled at you. A simple apology is viewed as a sarcastic twisting of the knife. Even self effacing jokes on me is misinterpreted and heard as a joke on you. You pay lip service and joke like everything is ok, all the while, you’re growing distant from me. Should I be surprised that the passive aggressive delay in reply you use on others is now being used on me? No, not surprised, but it still hurts. (Yeah I know taste of my own medicine.)

I know our friendship hasn’t been the easiest, that I am a hard person to deal with, but I’m glad we made it this far. I wonder though, with a significant other soon back in your life if this is the end of the line.

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