Some Thoughts of a Week and a Half Old Father

So my daughter was born two Fridays ago and stuff has happened. I don’t know if they’ve all coalesced into something I can put into a BIG thematic summary, but here are some of the thoughts.

Hospitals are like hotels. Medical hotels that you check into except during your stay you’re constantly being interrupted by the staff; checking your pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar–except they don’t check it all at once. This staggered list they have to checkmark can really impede your rest. (One of the nurses admittedly said that in a study of a 24 hour period, a patient had 55 interruptions.)

Babies maybe dream? I’ve taken to looming over my newborn daughter and just absorbing her in and imprinting her image into my mind (It’s kind of creepy if I were to do it to anyone else). Some of these times she smiles up at me. Sometimes when she’s sleeping, it’s very obvious that she’s experiencing RAPID EYE MOVEMENT (REM)–a sign that she’s dreaming, and she’ll do this thing where she’ll smile and nod. It’s almost as if she’s saying “Ahh yeah, those were good times?” Except, what good times? What life experience can you fondly be reminiscing about my 1 week old daughter? Other people say that smiles are either 1) muscle spasms on the face 2) reaction to farting.

Having a newborn is all about putting in the work and it’s sort of like Tamagotchi: the Virtual Pet. When you get a Tamagotchi they’re like this little blob, plain and boring. But dang if you have to feed, clean and put them to sleep after every three hours. You don’t get much in return yet. But I can’t wait till my little human starts evolving and growing features that make her who she really is.

People like babies. It’s something new and different. I couldn’t believe that my parents came and visited almost every day that baby girl has been alive. It’s not a chore to them and I think they’d come more if they could. My wife and i have some cousins from our respective sides of our families and we don’t normally hang out outside of the holidays, but they’ve reached out and want to come down.

And there’s more, but that’s all for now. Too tired. Zombie life.

There’s a Whole World Out There and You’re Inside Looking at the Mirror

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There’s so much beauty in this world, so much to see and feel and taste/eat :p but you’re missing all of it because you’re stuck inside.

You only log on to check your notifications. How many likes did you have? Did someone leave you a comment? Let’s post a picture of yourself shall we? (No, you don’t have a new haircut or showing off a new outfit, people should just be satisfied to get another picture of your face) Let’s re-post several things that we like in hopes that it’ll get a lot of attention. Maybe leave a song lyric or thought that we’re feeling (never mind that no one gets the context or what you mean). Now let’s go write long expressive things so that people can understand what we’re feeling.

But do I have time to read your writings? Do I make the time to go look at what your interest are, even leave a comment? Yeah maybe, if I had something that I could say to bring me attention. Or maybe I can look at the events that are out there? Should I even log out to consider that there’s a world out there that doesn’t have a url/evite/tweet to announce it?

No.

I’m trying to build and find my own happiness here. The more I hold on to it. The more I try, the more it slips away. I can’t entertain other people’s happiness and interests, because I’m stuck in my own echo-chamber, retelling my own stories to myself. I’m focusing on my own problems and how they always return. Do I stop to think about how the same mindset that got me into this problem can’t be the same mindset that would find a solution?

No.

I’m too busy with myself.

I was never your #1

And I’ll never will be your #1. I know that. I’ve accepted that from the begining. I know that I’ve just been your fill in friend. The substitute, only here to to keep you afloat until you find that significant other to be all that you need.

I’ve tried opening up to you before and I’ve felt shot down before. Tried expressing what’s going only to be skipped over and back to your problem. When I go away and keep my distance then that’s perceived as me punishing you and being sadistic and cruel. Come back to explain myself and instead of being heard, only had a phrase solidified in your mind; a slight to wound you. Something that’s closed off your mind to everything else.

Suddenly innocuous statements are rocks being hurled at you. A simple apology is viewed as a sarcastic twisting of the knife. Even self effacing jokes on me is misinterpreted and heard as a joke on you. You pay lip service and joke like everything is ok, all the while, you’re growing distant from me. Should I be surprised that the passive aggressive delay in reply you use on others is now being used on me? No, not surprised, but it still hurts. (Yeah I know taste of my own medicine.)

I know our friendship hasn’t been the easiest, that I am a hard person to deal with, but I’m glad we made it this far. I wonder though, with a significant other soon back in your life if this is the end of the line.

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My Garden and its Horrible Growth

I have a garden that’s recently come back into my possession. But it’s a special garden, one under glass that I can’t touch directly, I can only feed it occasionally, give it light.

It’s recently had 2 large weeds ripped out of it. 2 weeds that took up a lot of my garden’s water and sunlight. And this garden looks pretty sad with its large…bald spots missing from it. My beautiful garden is struggling to grow back into its own but it’s lived so long with this Harvest Yellow colored weed and this Mahogany colored weed that it no longer wants to grow free of these parasites. H and M over-run it still and she’ll never grow as long as she doesn’t get rid of them completely.

These small pieces of them just grow back and grow stronger, choking her till she tries to live without them, but with none of their strength, just something not dead but not fully alive. I can’t do anything except to feed her and give her sunlight…she has to fight them off by herself.

Some of Today’s Questions:

…of which may have been asked silently.

“Why are my co-workers so determined to make me fail at my job?” (To myself)
“We were being dramatic, weren’t we? Don’t our co-workers really love us?” (Self questioning)

“How long do you think people are going to look at this zit?” (Guy in the mirror)

“Do you realize that by you emphasizing how much and how often you know something to be true, that you’re subtly saying, ‘I know the rest of the world doesn’t believe’ and that ‘It’s only true to me'” (To the Mormon missionary on my living room couch)

“Why am I inviting these guys back? Why do they want to come back? They know they’re not going to convert me right?” What am I doing with my life? (Self questioning)
“But then again, who else is going to expose them to the one, Church founded by Christ?” (Catholic guilt to myself)

“Do you think the best days of your life are behind you?” (While reading a friends blog)

“Why would you think ANYONE will want to read this runny, unformed, word diarrhea?” (While reading random blogs)

“Why would anyone want to read my blog/posts?” (To myself)

“Are we really going to open this bag of chips?” (To myself)

“Did we really just eat this entire bag of chips?” (To the fatty in the mirror)

When you’re so bored…you become angry.

Well maybe not “bored” but there comes a time in your life when you look at how others live their lives and you realize you’re not living your own. That the hours you waste here could be used for so much more!

Something I hate is taking the day off because I’m sick or taking the day and not doing anything. I’m stingy about my PTO (paid time off from work) and so when I do get the time off I’d like to do something worthwhile, so that when I come back, I’m changed.

And yet I have hours every night of “free time” but what do I do with it? Nothing special. I need to realize that some day I will die, and no one will care how many blogs I read, how many articles I’ve up-voted, how many meme’s I was mildly amused at for 2 seconds. Death by a thousand cuts.

No more! (Well for tonight anyhow, we’ll start this battle again tomorrow night.)

The Ol’ Workstation

Workstation

The Ol’ Workstation.

Where I’m inspired, have epiphanies, create and spend way too much time to myself–all into the dark hours of the morning.

Tomorrow night I’ll be here again. I dread coming back to it when I’m away, but when I’m here, I never want to leave.