Ball’s in your court

You ever have it in your life when you’re waiting for the other person to make the move? That you can plan accordingly based on what they do? But what if they’ve gone home already? You thought they took the ball home with them, so you’re waiting for them to come back.

But what you don’t realize is that they don’t have the ball, you do. You can do whatever you want with your life. So this bitterness you have at them for moving on with their life and doing whatever they want, achieving whatever happiness they want, it’s not on them, it’s on you. He’s not holding you back from your own happiness, you are keeping yourself from being happy.

But, Sudy, you say, I’m angry at him because we were playing a great game, and now he’s ended it, and I’m angry that he’s ended it. I know darling, but don’t be angry or sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened. Remember that this game was one that interrupted another game, one that went into over time where both players weren’t even going through the motions? Yes, this recent game that just ended, you shouldn’t look at it as a fear that you’ll never have another great game, but you should look at it is as evidence that there’s still a better game to be played. The sooner you leave this behind, the sooner you can start the next one.

All on your own time, darling. I know it still feels fresh, but let’s go before the cleaning crew leaves and turns off the lights on ya huh? Let’s take baby steps, and just head toward the locker room…decision by decision, action by action, and with each piece you let go of this past relationship, i promise to treat you to nachos or a hot dog. Just take my hand.

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Unborn Death

A friend asked me why I didn’t talk more about my first and future born child. Well, for one thing, it’s a secret that my wife wishes to keep until after the we’ve entered the safety zone. But more importantly, I’m not sure what I am feeling.

I know what I should be feeling; joy. Should be feeling joy that this beauty of life is about to take me being a man to another level. That I should be feeling happy that the love my wife and I have will not be diminished for each other but be multiplied in this new creation. That I should be elated that when friends, family coworkers find out, they will be showering us with love and attention relentlessly (only to stop when the baby is born).

That’s what I should be feeling, but if I were being totally honest I’d tell you that I’m having a mild meltdown. Inside the large boardroom on the top floor building of my mind all the heads of managements who were previously smoking their cigars and LOVING LIFE all are sweating bullets. These powerful men with their largesse of time and energy and finances toward our bachelor lifestyle are sitting in stunned silence; paralyzed by something as small as a peanut.

This small little unseen…thing, will impose its will on me. Its very existence threatens the comfortable life I’ve set up by usurping my schedule and finances. The reality of sleepless nights and leaking, liquid feces and sour, acidic vomit on me are like some kind of horror movie. Maybe my perspective will change, that it’ll become like a comedy starring Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore, but right now all I fear is that this thing growing inside my wife is going to F$@K $#!T up!

My Garden and its Horrible Growth

I have a garden that’s recently come back into my possession. But it’s a special garden, one under glass that I can’t touch directly, I can only feed it occasionally, give it light.

It’s recently had 2 large weeds ripped out of it. 2 weeds that took up a lot of my garden’s water and sunlight. And this garden looks pretty sad with its large…bald spots missing from it. My beautiful garden is struggling to grow back into its own but it’s lived so long with this Harvest Yellow colored weed and this Mahogany colored weed that it no longer wants to grow free of these parasites. H and M over-run it still and she’ll never grow as long as she doesn’t get rid of them completely.

These small pieces of them just grow back and grow stronger, choking her till she tries to live without them, but with none of their strength, just something not dead but not fully alive. I can’t do anything except to feed her and give her sunlight…she has to fight them off by herself.

Some of Today’s Questions:

…of which may have been asked silently.

“Why are my co-workers so determined to make me fail at my job?” (To myself)
“We were being dramatic, weren’t we? Don’t our co-workers really love us?” (Self questioning)

“How long do you think people are going to look at this zit?” (Guy in the mirror)

“Do you realize that by you emphasizing how much and how often you know something to be true, that you’re subtly saying, ‘I know the rest of the world doesn’t believe’ and that ‘It’s only true to me'” (To the Mormon missionary on my living room couch)

“Why am I inviting these guys back? Why do they want to come back? They know they’re not going to convert me right?” What am I doing with my life? (Self questioning)
“But then again, who else is going to expose them to the one, Church founded by Christ?” (Catholic guilt to myself)

“Do you think the best days of your life are behind you?” (While reading a friends blog)

“Why would you think ANYONE will want to read this runny, unformed, word diarrhea?” (While reading random blogs)

“Why would anyone want to read my blog/posts?” (To myself)

“Are we really going to open this bag of chips?” (To myself)

“Did we really just eat this entire bag of chips?” (To the fatty in the mirror)

When you’re so bored…you become angry.

Well maybe not “bored” but there comes a time in your life when you look at how others live their lives and you realize you’re not living your own. That the hours you waste here could be used for so much more!

Something I hate is taking the day off because I’m sick or taking the day and not doing anything. I’m stingy about my PTO (paid time off from work) and so when I do get the time off I’d like to do something worthwhile, so that when I come back, I’m changed.

And yet I have hours every night of “free time” but what do I do with it? Nothing special. I need to realize that some day I will die, and no one will care how many blogs I read, how many articles I’ve up-voted, how many meme’s I was mildly amused at for 2 seconds. Death by a thousand cuts.

No more! (Well for tonight anyhow, we’ll start this battle again tomorrow night.)

The Ol’ Workstation

Workstation

The Ol’ Workstation.

Where I’m inspired, have epiphanies, create and spend way too much time to myself–all into the dark hours of the morning.

Tomorrow night I’ll be here again. I dread coming back to it when I’m away, but when I’m here, I never want to leave.

Fixin’ is part of the job description

“Eh…close enough”

My job in the Kingdom is to build. Design the layout, lay a foundation, drive in some nails so they hold tight. etc, etc…or so I think. Lately it’s been fixing. Gah! >=^[

It’s like this scene in my favorite movie, Kung Fu Hustle where the girl is trying to fix her broken lollipop and it just crumbles. It is not fun, but I realize it’s part of my job. My beautiful lollipop is my friend I’m trying to help put back together. I try to understand all that she is. I’ve gone back over a year through her blog, reading through everything. I watch all the video clips and listen to all the songs she posts. When she sends me snippets of stories from a video-game, I read those too. But sometimes it feels like I’m just a ghost, floating and unable to tangibly make a difference.

I realize very well that one outcome is that this lollipop stays broken–but damnit to hell, as long I’m around that is neh-ver going to happen. Just as God doesn’t throw us away but continually works to repair us, I can’t give up either. I can not for one, full second consider the option of leaving her broken. I’ve seen her happy and full of that Joie de vivre and I can’t compromise, can’t leave her in her current state.

I want to fly. I want to be where all the parts and pieces are fresh, sturdy, ready to become part of something exquisite and grand. But that all can wait while I work on restoring her because I’ve seen her beauty.

 

How she melted my heart in 5 words

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My dearest (and seemingly closest) friend lives 2,507.232 miles away from me. Last night we had the rare chance to talk on the phone and after an hour and a half that felt like 7 mins, we had to go, but not before I asked her to say 5 last words.

She said, I wish you were here.

My heart melted (╥﹏╥)