Partying while Parenting

PartyingwhileParenting

I took this pic over this last weekend at a pool party and it kind of sums up my current life as a parent of a 4 month-old. Everyone was sitting around a table having drinks and smokes BUT not us! The wife, infant and I were set apart from the fun; sitting on the other side of the backyard.

It wasn’t the saddest thing in the world as I didn’t know most of the people there and there was an army guy who held the group hostage with his conversation (which were long-winded accounts of what happened when he was stationed out there, interceded by interrogation/survey of the group, and then switching back to story mode). Starting this post, I thought I was going to lament on how horrible my life is now that I don’t get to do all the things I don’t want to do. That “downing a bottle, belching and passing out” has a less fun context as a parent, but I’m realizing it’s not that bad. I’m not missing out on too much.

So what if I don’t get to regale in all the going-ons with my friends? I’ll be experiencing brand new things with a brand new person who’s experiencing everything for the first time. Hanging out with friends has its perks, but it’s never been about the new restaurant or cool place to hang out, it’s always been about the people you spend it with. What better experience than spending it with someone who will forever be linked to me? Is there anything more bonding than having someone look into your eyes and realize that they love you? That realization my daughter makes when she sees me and smiles makes my heart melt. every. single. time!

I felt and sometimes still feel like my life has been put on hold; that I couldn’t work on all my desires and future aspirations but instead had to deal with this demanding interruption. How bitter it made me feel until I realize that this tiny human is my life now. This is my aspiration and future and that I don’t have to deny my life but integrate my life in her life. Sure it sounds like rationalizing, but at the same time it feels like the truest realization of what life is about, and I can’t wait to get home to see my spawn!

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There’s a Whole World Out There and You’re Inside Looking at the Mirror

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There’s so much beauty in this world, so much to see and feel and taste/eat :p but you’re missing all of it because you’re stuck inside.

You only log on to check your notifications. How many likes did you have? Did someone leave you a comment? Let’s post a picture of yourself shall we? (No, you don’t have a new haircut or showing off a new outfit, people should just be satisfied to get another picture of your face) Let’s re-post several things that we like in hopes that it’ll get a lot of attention. Maybe leave a song lyric or thought that we’re feeling (never mind that no one gets the context or what you mean). Now let’s go write long expressive things so that people can understand what we’re feeling.

But do I have time to read your writings? Do I make the time to go look at what your interest are, even leave a comment? Yeah maybe, if I had something that I could say to bring me attention. Or maybe I can look at the events that are out there? Should I even log out to consider that there’s a world out there that doesn’t have a url/evite/tweet to announce it?

No.

I’m trying to build and find my own happiness here. The more I hold on to it. The more I try, the more it slips away. I can’t entertain other people’s happiness and interests, because I’m stuck in my own echo-chamber, retelling my own stories to myself. I’m focusing on my own problems and how they always return. Do I stop to think about how the same mindset that got me into this problem can’t be the same mindset that would find a solution?

No.

I’m too busy with myself.

Ball’s in your court

You ever have it in your life when you’re waiting for the other person to make the move? That you can plan accordingly based on what they do? But what if they’ve gone home already? You thought they took the ball home with them, so you’re waiting for them to come back.

But what you don’t realize is that they don’t have the ball, you do. You can do whatever you want with your life. So this bitterness you have at them for moving on with their life and doing whatever they want, achieving whatever happiness they want, it’s not on them, it’s on you. He’s not holding you back from your own happiness, you are keeping yourself from being happy.

But, Sudy, you say, I’m angry at him because we were playing a great game, and now he’s ended it, and I’m angry that he’s ended it. I know darling, but don’t be angry or sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened. Remember that this game was one that interrupted another game, one that went into over time where both players weren’t even going through the motions? Yes, this recent game that just ended, you shouldn’t look at it as a fear that you’ll never have another great game, but you should look at it is as evidence that there’s still a better game to be played. The sooner you leave this behind, the sooner you can start the next one.

All on your own time, darling. I know it still feels fresh, but let’s go before the cleaning crew leaves and turns off the lights on ya huh? Let’s take baby steps, and just head toward the locker room…decision by decision, action by action, and with each piece you let go of this past relationship, i promise to treat you to nachos or a hot dog. Just take my hand.

Unborn Death

A friend asked me why I didn’t talk more about my first and future born child. Well, for one thing, it’s a secret that my wife wishes to keep until after the we’ve entered the safety zone. But more importantly, I’m not sure what I am feeling.

I know what I should be feeling; joy. Should be feeling joy that this beauty of life is about to take me being a man to another level. That I should be feeling happy that the love my wife and I have will not be diminished for each other but be multiplied in this new creation. That I should be elated that when friends, family coworkers find out, they will be showering us with love and attention relentlessly (only to stop when the baby is born).

That’s what I should be feeling, but if I were being totally honest I’d tell you that I’m having a mild meltdown. Inside the large boardroom on the top floor building of my mind all the heads of managements who were previously smoking their cigars and LOVING LIFE all are sweating bullets. These powerful men with their largesse of time and energy and finances toward our bachelor lifestyle are sitting in stunned silence; paralyzed by something as small as a peanut.

This small little unseen…thing, will impose its will on me. Its very existence threatens the comfortable life I’ve set up by usurping my schedule and finances. The reality of sleepless nights and leaking, liquid feces and sour, acidic vomit on me are like some kind of horror movie. Maybe my perspective will change, that it’ll become like a comedy starring Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore, but right now all I fear is that this thing growing inside my wife is going to F$@K $#!T up!

Some of Today’s Questions:

…of which may have been asked silently.

“Why are my co-workers so determined to make me fail at my job?” (To myself)
“We were being dramatic, weren’t we? Don’t our co-workers really love us?” (Self questioning)

“How long do you think people are going to look at this zit?” (Guy in the mirror)

“Do you realize that by you emphasizing how much and how often you know something to be true, that you’re subtly saying, ‘I know the rest of the world doesn’t believe’ and that ‘It’s only true to me'” (To the Mormon missionary on my living room couch)

“Why am I inviting these guys back? Why do they want to come back? They know they’re not going to convert me right?” What am I doing with my life? (Self questioning)
“But then again, who else is going to expose them to the one, Church founded by Christ?” (Catholic guilt to myself)

“Do you think the best days of your life are behind you?” (While reading a friends blog)

“Why would you think ANYONE will want to read this runny, unformed, word diarrhea?” (While reading random blogs)

“Why would anyone want to read my blog/posts?” (To myself)

“Are we really going to open this bag of chips?” (To myself)

“Did we really just eat this entire bag of chips?” (To the fatty in the mirror)